Pepsi. America’s Sweetheart

Soft Drink Company Unearths New Language

February 3, 2013    In a rare turn of events, the multinational beverage corporation Coca-Cola has brought to the forefront a little-known language that was thought to have gone extinct sometime in the past 40 years.  Subsequent to Coca-Cola’s Superbowl commercial, featuring life in everyday America played out to the tune of America the Beautiful sung in various languages, a campaign to boycott Coke products was launched on Twitter last night with the hastag #SpeakAmerican.  Many of the nation’s top linguists were baffled at the resurgence of the American language in modern society, however a source inside the White House stated that “it is not uncommon when patriotism is called into question.  ‘Murica!!”
It is unclear how many people in the United States actually speak American, though there are unconfirmed reports that several executives at Fox News are fluent.
Have you ever had a toothache?  It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch but you just can’t stop the masochistic tongue prodding.  “Ooh, that hurts.  Ooh, so does that.” 

No?  How about witnessing car accident?  Driving by at -10mph, trying to determine how the car actually got into the tree and who’s fault it was and “hey, is that a toe?”  You just can’t look away.  You want to, but you just can’t. 

Such was my morning internet surf. 

I think I can speak for all cable-tv Canadians when I tell you it is our plight every year to have to wait until after the Superbowl in order to see all the best Superbowl commercials.  Though I must say I found this year quite satisfying.  (Kudos to Jaguar for your excellent use of the Kingsley-Strong-Hiddleston triumvirate).

And then I happened upon the Coca-Cola commercial.  In truth, I heard about the commerical  before I actually saw it.  In summary, it’s a montage of every day life in the US while voices sing America the Beautiful…IN OTHER LANGUAGES!!

Oh my God, the nerve of the Coca-Cola Company!  Don’t they know, (and I’m not kidding here), the National Anthem should be sung in American?  How dare they?

So by now you should be asking yourself two questions:

1.  When did America the Beautiful become the National Anthem? and
2.  What language is “American”?

Ok, maybe a third question.   Are people really that stupid? 

Alas, watching the train wreck that was the comment section on every news article and blog I’ve read since it aired, I’m sad to say that yes, yes they are.  In truth, this was just the tip of the iceberg.  And the venom with which the stupidity spewed was mind-boggling.  I’ll be honest when I say that if I were to envision the people behind the remarks, white hoods and burning crosses come to mind, (a la Django).

Now before you go getting your starred and striped boxers in a twist, my American friends, I know this does not reflect the opinions of all of you.  If you look for yourself you’ll see that there are many of you as appalled as I, coming to Coke’s defence in the name of all that is right and good in the world.  But why do the most ignorant always seem to be the freakin loudest?  When God is handing out stupidity does it come with a complimentary bullhorn?

By the way, Coca-Cola, Canada would be glad to be featured in your Superbowl ad next year.  You can’t have Oh Canada, but you’re more than welcome to God Save the Queen.



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