Countdown to Armageddon

They say 40 is the new 30.

Having never been much of a conformist, I’ve decided this doesn’t work for me.  Since I have every intention of living to the ripe old age of at least 90, I’m going to live under the “45 is the new 40” banner, in which case I’ll deal with “40 being the new 30” at that time.

Confused?  Here, this might help…

Or not.

Anyway, until such time as I do reach 45, I will be celebrating my 39th birthday in perpetuity.  Please chose all cards accordingly.

Of course, I kid.  In actuality, I could care less that I’ll be 40 this year.  I don’t feel 40.  I’ve been told I don’t look 40, (although this is usually from younger people who have no concept of time or age, but I’ll take the compliment, and run with it all the way to the botox clinic).  Nor do I act 40, much to my son’s dismay.  Hey, he’s 18, he should be used to it by now!

Les Mew. Les Purr.

So the day will come, and my friends and I will get together for some drinks and good times. Pretty much the same as every other weekend, only this time the tab’s on them.  And I’ll be another year older, with nothing to show for it except a wicked hangover, (God willing), and perhaps some new laugh lines.  Oh, and the term “cougar” will never be used in my presence.  I do not chase younger men, nor do I have any intention of starting.  And in the event that I do want a boy toy, I will be referred to as an Iberian Lynx.  They’re much more exotic.

And I will have the wisdom of 40 years behind me.  Random knowledge that I can now bestow on those who would follow.

1.  People are inherently stupid. I’m sure the percentage of stupid people hasn’t drastically increased over the past 20 years or so, I am just no longer one of them.

2. Sarcasm is a coping mechanism.

3. The urge to beat other people’s children increases exponentially with age.

4.  The urge to beat the parents also increases.

5.  Grey hairs are not indigenous to the scalp. Thank you Jesus, I’ve always wanted salt and pepper eyebrows.

6. Asking me if an affliction could be “menopause related” is punishable by death.

I’m such a proud Grandma.

7.  A teenage boy can go through the entire contents of a fridge and pantry in less time than it takes for me to take a shower.

8.  It takes 2 days’ salary to fill the fridge and pantry.

9.  A food baby takes approximately 1.07 hours to dissipate.

10. In addition to teenage acne, there is also 20’s acne, 30’s acne, and what I can only anticipate will be 40’s and 50’s acne.

11. Naps are the key to staying up past 11.

12. Beer is also a coping mechanism.

13. The term “sexual prime” is grossly misleading. I’m not a Transformer. I’m a woman, and I want sex. Now dammit!

14. Vitamin Water is an excellent means of rehydration.

I could go on, but fortunately it’s time for my nap. After which I intend to write the screenplay for a Transformers porn movie featuring none other than Sexual Prime.

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