Boobs 2 : Penis 0

I have superpowers.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m a superhero.  Superheros are required to rid the world of evil and other do-gooder stuff.  And never, ever, are they to use their powers for personal gain.  This is where I fall short.

You see, I have a gift which allows me to manipulate and distract people (men).  It’s usually unintentional, but on occasion I’ve found it necessary to break out the big guns, so to speak.  So skilled am I that most of the time people (men) are completely unaware that they’ve fallen prey to my powers, or they just don’t care.  In my defense I could say that I’m doing a good deed by inducing happiness in others, but I’m not sure how far that goes toward ridding the world of evil.  Hence my lack of superhero status.

I have discovered, however, that others also share this gift.  Whether a natural occurrence or purchased at the local cosmetic surgeon, millions have been equally endowed with these powers.

Breasts.

They are all things feminine.  They embody life itself.  They are a means to provide sustenance, and a tool to make men weep. Oh yes, gentlemen, we’ve seen you.

I love my breasts.  I never leave home without them.  They are a constant companion when I’m lonely, and afford a great storage option when no purse or pockets are available.  It may be a man’s world, but I have to tell you, given the choice, I’ll take having boobs over a penis any day and twice on Sundays.  (No feminists were injured in the writing of this blog).

Let’s examine, shall we?

Naked, the female form is a site to marvel at.  Women have been immortalized in more paintings, sculptures, paper mache projects, and tapestries than men. Why?  Because we are beautiful.  Guys, you can throw on a pair of low-rise jeans that show off your cut lines and I’ll pant in a very unladylike fashion.  But I’m sorry, the site of a naked man is one red nose and pair of clown shoes away from a carnival.

Sustained! (A friend sent this from Cuba yesterday).

On the flip-side, we can play dress up with our boobs and they look just as good, if not better (depending on how old you are).  A lacy bra holds all the promise of an awaiting present (or two) on Christmas morning.  Oh look, you have boxers.  How cute.  At most, it’s like opening a Jack-in-the-Box without element of surprise, although sometimes just as freakin’ scary.

If necessary, I can undo a button or two more on my blouse in order to avoid arrest, theoretically of course.  Try whipping out your dick the next time you get pulled over for speeding.  (Cue Law-and-Order-scene-change-gavel sound).

The combination of a white t-shirt, cold water, and a nice rack will draw an audience from miles away.  Cold water and a banana hammock will only draw gales of laughter.  Actually the cold water isn’t even necessary.

We have been immortalized in chicken wing franchise world forever.  What would you call your restaurant?

A woman can look and admire another woman’s breasts without envy or bitchiness, although these things are not always mutually exclusive.  Whereas I’ve never heard a similar exchange between two men.   “Wow, did you see the package on him?”  “Why yes, I was just admiring the slight curve to the left.”

Oh, and we get beads.

Advertisements

12 responses to “Boobs 2 : Penis 0

Speak your mind

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: