I have a big mouth and I know how to use it.
(Wait, that came out wrong.)
My mouth sometimes gets me into trouble.
(Hmmm, not much better. Let me stay away from the oral analogies.)
I have an issue with my filter.
(No sexual connotations. Could only be confused with a pool or furnace. Yes, this works.)
So, I have an issue with my filter. It could be the processor, but I think the problem lies more with the timing module. There is a significant delay. It typically starts working after I’ve extracted my foot from my mouth. Perhaps my foot is the catalyst. I shall have to investigate further.
I normally wouldn’t be too concerned, however it tends to happen more often at work. Coupled with an inability to speak in hushed tones, I’m often left to wonder if my next pay stub will be a pretty shade of pink.
I once stated aloud that a certain Global VP thought she was the Centre of the Universe. Unbeknownst to me, word spread quickly (via a kiss-ass little tramp who worked for me). In her follow-up email, where she felt the need to include several of my bosses and the president (diva!), she informed me that she wasn’t, in fact, the Centre of the Universe. Ok, well I’m glad we cleared that up!
Luckily when your opinion is shared by the entire company they take it easy on you. There were no repercussions. I didn’t even have to apologise, something I don’t do well because usually I have to lie. I did take to calling myself the Centre of the Universe from then on though. And when she was fired I skipped down the hall singing “Ding dong, the witch is dead” several times. (Ok, only one of those things is true).