A spanking! A spanking!

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.  It’s be a lifetime (literally) since my last confession.”

“What is it that brings you here, my child?”

“I read a naughty book, and then the sequel to it, and then the last in the trilogy.  And when I was finished, I started the first book again.  Which reminds me, I only have 2 chapters left.  I gotta go.”

This is, of course, a purely hypothetical scenario.  I’ve never actually been to confession.  Nor am I Catholic.  Or all that religious really.  But I did read a naughty trilogy (hehe).  And I did begin the first book again (although I skipped to the juicy bits) after finishing the last.  So this is my confession.  I read the Fifty Shades Trilogy.  And I loved it!

I realize that in doing so my IQ has probably dropped a few points.  And I’ll probably lose the respect of anyone who actually reads this blog, myself included, but it doesn’t matter.  I’m fully satisfied.

Here’s a brief summary.  Awkward virgin meets gorgeous, uber-wealthy, megalomaniac who has particular sexual predilections.   You can read the full description here, but if you’re already intrigued I would recommend you just buy it and plunge right in.

The idea for the book began as Twilight (yes, I read that too) fanfiction.  The similarities are glaringly obvious.  The main characters Christian (sigh) and Ana are the adult versions of Edward and Bella, minus the whole vampire thing.  She’s quiet and slightly awkward; he’s a rich control freak bent on protecting her, except from himself.  A literary masterpiece it is not.  But it doesn’t matter…because the sex is so freakin’ good!

I read a review in a free transit paper a few weeks ago that completely ripped the book to shreds, including the sex scenes.  The only way I can rationalize it is to say that clearly the “journalist” is a lesbian, (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  Of the multiple people I have recommended the books to, two so far have finished the series.  One of them gave me shit and said that if she fails her CGA course, I will be to blame.  “Hey, it’s not my fault you chose to stimulate something other than your brain!”  The other is re-reading the series, (chain-reading), and while she hasn’t found fault with me in any way, I’m anticipating a call from her children any day now asking why “Mommy has abandoned us and keeps locking herself in her room”.  Hence the “Mommy Porn” moniker.

I don’t typically read books like this.  I’ve never picked up a Harlequin in my life, nor would I.  I have nothing against them they’re just not for me.  I did try to read the first in the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, but it was a little too out there for me.  If it involves food, aside from melted chocolate or whipped cream, it belongs on a menu, not in an erotic novel.

There’s been so much hype around Fifty Shades that I had an idea what I was getting into.  So I drank the Kool-Aid.  All of it.  And it was damn good.  I just didn’t realize how good it would be.

Clearly I must be some kind of freak, right?  Yeah, me, and everyone else buying the books in record numbers.  Who knew a little bondage would go such a long way?  Over and over again.  Like the pages on my e-reader.  Excuse me, I need a moment…

There.  Much better.  Now, where was I?  Ah yes, bondage.

Now, don’t make the assumption that it’s pages and pages of dominant and submissive prose.  Their first kiss is deliciously hot, although now that I think about it he does pin her up against a wall…hmm, ok, maybe it is a little BDSM, but not in a bad way.  Well, in a good bad way but not a bad bad way.  Nevermind.

The point is that it’s not tame.  It’s kinky, and it rubs women the right way.  (Oh the pun police will be knocking down my door any minute now).  As an avid reader of what I would consider intellectual fiction, I did have some issues with it.  The plot tends to be a bit repetitive.  She gets into trouble; he rescues her.  And the fact that the female protagonist keeps referring to her nether regions as her “sex” irked me.  Never in my life have I ever referred to my vagina as my “sex”.   Do people really call it that?  I figure if you’re going to write about tying a woman up and caressing her ass in between spanks, why wouldn’t you, as my kindergarten teacher friends will say, use your words.  (Sorry Mum, plug your ears).  It’s a pussy for crying out loud!

But I overcame all that. More than once.

Update: So yet another friend (convert) is at home last night reading Fifty Shades.  Saturday Night Live is on the tv but she’s not really paying attention, (there could have been a plague of locusts and she wouldn’t have noticed).  SNL does a parody of an Amazon commercial showing children and husbands surprising Mom’s on Mother’s Day, unfortunately the Mom’s are reading Fifty Shades in privacy and are caught in, let’s just say, “compromising positions”.  Cue the awkward moment where my friend’s teenage son walks in to tell her about the funny skit he just watched on SNL.


13 responses to “A spanking! A spanking!

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