There’s water around here somewhere

Dear Niagara Falls Visitors,

Welcome to the former Honeymoon Capital of the World.  And by former we mean circa 1900-ish.  We’ve since been usurped by pretty much anywhere else that’s accessible by airplane, but we still have Clifton Hill.  It’s like the Coney Island of yesteryear, only not.  Feel free to visit any one of its gaudy attractions, and don’t forget to purchase your Fun Pass!  Financing is available.

It’s not just fun. It’s super duper fun!

Hotels are located on every available tract of land, if not already zoned for the aforementioned attractions, and would be happy to check you in.  A room with a view of the hotel next door could be yours to enjoy, along with your very own heart-shaped hot tub.  STD’s are included.  Souvenirs are available in your minibar, the lobby shop, from the guy just outside the main doors, at the souvenir shop next door, and anywhere else you pass whilst you enjoy the neon ambiance.

We are also the home of the chain restaurant.  If you’d like feast on something that you can get anywhere else, this is the place for you.  If you’re looking for something a little more fresh, try Niagara on the Lake.

Did we mention that we have a new fairly new casino that is open for your gambling pleasure 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  What better way to abandon your children than to leave them for 9 hours in the hotel room while you gamble away their college fund.  And you can do it on holidays too.  Beat that Toronto!

Do you hear something?

As you explore, you might start to notice a dull roar.  Please, do continue on with your merrymaking, there is no cause for alarm.  Tourists have also been known to encounter a slight vapor, which leaves the clothes damp and the hair slightly Donna Summer-esque.  Do not be frightened, (unless you are in fact Donna Summer).  We have a slight water problem and have taken measures to see that it doesn’t detract from your frivolities.  “Look, Clifton Hill!”  If you are feeling adventurous and would like to see for yourself, you need venture no further than the bottom of the hill.  That would be any hill.

Behold, Niagara Falls.  Repeat.  N-i-a-g-a-r-a  F-a-l-l-s.  Yes there are actual falls in Niagara Falls.  We realize it’s a bit of a nuisance, but there wasn’t much we could do about it.  In fact, for the rustic at heart, we have the original attraction.  The Maid of the Mist.  Don your attractive new blue garbage bag, and head on down to a riverboat not unlike the African Queen.  Prepare to set sail for an adventure you’ll (never) remember.  “There was some mist, and the boat was rocking, and there was some mist”.

If a shower is not for you, there are parks and pathways along the top of the Falls, complete with those big metallic viewers that will help rid you of all those pesky Canadian loonies and toonies.  This is a perfect place to capture those everlasting memories on film, if you haven’t had to sell your camera to settle any gambling debts.  Line up the anklebiters and click away, if you haven’t had to sell your children; see gambling debts.  Please note, however, that the barriers are there for your protection, although they are awfully pretty.  If you feel the need to straddle the fence for the perfect pose, or to show your buddies that you’re not really that drunk, we will not be responsible for the manner in which you go over the falls, though you may be judged by a score out of 10.  And, we will be the first to submit your name for this year’s Darwin Awards.

Thank you once again for your patronage.  We hope to see you again, but we understand.

Sincerely,

The City of Niagara Falls and all of its Corporate Sponsors

“Oooh it’s so pretty and white.”

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