I don’t condone violence. I believe that it’s better to, as any kindergarten teacher will tell you, “use your words”. When applied correctly, words have the power to berate, chastise, and if you’re truly gifted, induce tears. However in some instances, ie. when dealing with the extremely dim-witted, verbal abuse can be highly inadequate. There’s no self-gratification; it’s simply wasted air. In other circumstances, you might find yourself too angry to form coherent sentences when ripping into someone and be left stammering, or even worse, opening and closing your mouth like a baby warbler.
Regardless of the scenario, I believe I’ve come up with an alternative that will both communicate your displeasure and leave you feeling fulfilled. Each one of us will have permission to administer a slap to anyone deemed unfit for a mere tongue lashing. I’m calling it the Slap of the Day.
Now, just so things don’t get out of hand, (no pun intended), I’ve set some ground rules. Only one slap is permitted per day, so as not to abuse the privilege (that one was intended). Careful thought must be put into how one determines who will be the recipient of that day’s ration. You wouldn’t want to waste it. And if a slap is not administered in the course of a 24 hour period, there is no carry-over. Slaps are also not transferable amongst friends.
The S.O.T.D. (I’m hoping this will start trending), is not a new concept. Countless times I’ve had friends say “Don’t you wish you could just slap them?” Yes…yes I do. Starting with…
People who tailgate. You know what? This is my lane. If I’m going too slow for you Dale Earnhardt Jr., switch lanes. SLAP!
People who stop right at the bottom of an escalator to talk. Hello! There’s a bottleneck forming behind you on the moving staircase with really sharp edges. Chat elsewhere. SLAP!
People who pick up copies from the shared printer, find their own, and then put yours somewhere else. You know, if I wanted them in order of backwards, upside down, and missing, I wouldn’t have bothered to collate them in the first place. Do not touch. SLAP!
On a similar note, people who jam said shared printer and then walk away. Thanks for that. I’m so glad I apprenticed in photocopier repair at XEROX. It makes the directions for clearing a jam on the inner door that much easier to interpret. Clear it yourself. SLAP!
People who use the last of something and don’t replace it. Was the milk on the bottom shelf too heavy for you to lift? Was the toilet paper holder too complicated? You finished it; you replace it. SLAP!
People who squeeze through a door so they don’t have to hold it for anyone behind them. It’s ok, I got it! And I hope you misjudge the next one and get wedged you selfish bastard. SLAP!
People with no sense of humour. SLAP!
I could go on. And on and on. There is no lack of annoying people out there. Enough that I’m thinking about turning this into a series. Suggestions are more than welcome.
And if you’re only now realizing that you’re guilty of any of the above, you may want to think twice about repeating the offence.
Disclaimer: No people were slapped in the writing of this blog. The opinions expressed in this blog are for amusement purposes only. I am not advocating violence, as previously stated in the opening sentence of this blog. The author is absolved of any and all responsibility should someone be slapped as a result of this blog.